i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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