Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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