can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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