It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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