She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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