by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof