sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now