I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
