I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
he had hair everywhere except his balls
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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