am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
