Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Good thing I've started drinking again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."