there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
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Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
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I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??