I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
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I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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