he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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