First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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