I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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