I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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