"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
