I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
