I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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