I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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