I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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