Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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