she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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