I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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