We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
