thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
