I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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