If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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