using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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