Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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