i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
