Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
