turn off your phone and go to bed
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"