The maid of honor just puked.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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