No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
