I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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