why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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