I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
