Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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