its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
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i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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