From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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