You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
