It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
