Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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