One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
