can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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