I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
