you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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