Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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