If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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