i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
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so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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